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Pinterest Funny Quotes

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 Funny Quotes on Life

Life is already serious as it is, it’s our job to make the people of the world laugh a little bit everyday. Ain’t that right? Well, looks like you’ve come to the right place. We have here some really funny quotes for you!

  • Sometimes when I close my eyes, I can’t see.
  • People say you can’t live without love, but I think oxygen is more important.
  • I did not trip and fall. I attacked the floor and I believe I am winning.
  • Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
  • All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.
  • If we shouldn’t eat at night, why is there a light in the fridge?
  • Sometimes I’m grateful that thoughts don’t appear as bubbles over our heads.
  • I want someone who will look at me the same way I look at chocolate cake.
  • Friends are chocolate chips in the cookie of life!
  • Maybe if we tell people the brain is an app, they’ll start using it.
  • My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do.
  • Love your enemies. It makes them so damned mad.
  • If you think nothing is impossible, try slamming a revolving door.
  • Never let a fool kiss you, or a kiss fool you.
  • If I won the award for laziness, I would send somebody to pick it up for me.
  • I put my phone in airplane mode, but it’s not flying!
  • The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.
  • Our phones fall, we panic. Our friends fall, we laugh.
  • A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
  • Be crazy, be stupid, be silly, be weird. Be whatever, because life is too short to be anything but happy.
  • I don’t mean to brag, but I put together a puzzle in 1 day and the box said 2-4 years.
  • I had an extremely busy day, converting oxygen into carbon dioxide.
  • I’m the kind of crazy you weren’t warned about because no one knew this level existed.
  • Dear life, when I said “can this day get any worse” it was a rhetorical question, not a challenge.
  • You have never experienced true fear until a poster falls off the wall in the middle of the night.
  • Whenever I have a headache I take 2 aspirin and keep away from children, just like it says on the bottle.
  • This too shall pass… It may pass like a kidney stone, but it will pass.
  • If you can’t laugh at your own problems, call me and I’ll laugh at them.
  • Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery and today is a gift. That’s why we call it the “present.”
  • What do I do for a living? I breathe in and out.

  • My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do.
  • Lazy is such an ugly word. I prefer to call it selective participation.
  • If we were on a sinking ship, and there was only one life vest. I would miss you so much.
  • Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt. Abraham Lincoln
  • Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry. – Jerry Seinfeld
  • If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one? Abraham Lincoln
  • My sister’s expecting a baby, and I don’t know if I’m going to be an uncle or an aunt. – Chuck Nevitt
  • The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.  Abraham Lincoln
  • You can sum up this sport in two words: You never know. – Lou Duva
  • The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets. Al McGuire
  • With age comes wisdom, but sometimes age comes alone. – Oscar Wilde
  • Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. Alan Dundes
  • In life only three things are certain: death, Adobe updates and taxes. – Trevor Noah
  • Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal. Albert Camus
  • Remember, when you are dead, you do not know you are dead. It is only painful for others. The same applies when you are stupid. – Ricky Gervais
  • Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed. Albert Einstein
  • Some problems in the world seem to exist solely for women. Like not having anything to wear. – Chetan Bhagat
  • The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits. Albert Einstein
  • Everyone is a psycho, and the average of all psychos is what we call normal. – Chetan Bhagat
  • All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal or fattening. Alexander Woollcott
  • The world’s most funniest and easiest thing is to give an advice. – Chetan Bhagat
  • It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads. Andy Borowitz
  • The pretty girl is always right. – Chetan Bhagat
  • The average dog is a nicer person than the average person. Andy Rooney
  • It’s better not to argue with women. – Vladimir Putin
  • At every party there are two kinds of people – those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other. Ann Landers
  • Don’t do drugs, don’t have sex, and don’t touch your eyebrows. – Emilia Clarke
  • Doctors are just the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too. Anton Chekhov

  • If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss. – Bill Gates
  • I don’t believe in astrology; I’m a Sagittarius and we’re skeptical. Arthur C. Clarke
  • When you are dining with a demon, you got to have a long spoon. – Navjot Sidhu
  • My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right. Ashleigh Brilliant
  • Experience is like a comb that life gives you when you are bald. – Navjot Sidhu
  • To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target. Ashleigh Brilliant
  • Anybody who finds it easy to make money on the horses is probably in the dog food business. – Franklin P. Jones
  • People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day. A. A. Milne
  • A bargain is something you can’t use at a price you can’t resist. – Franklin P. Jones
  • Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away. Benjamin Franklin
  • I know I’m a handful but that’s why you got two hands.
  • Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.  Benjamin Franklin
  • Embrace the glorious mess that you are.  — Elizabeth Gilbert
  • Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born? Benny Hill
  • Taking naps sounds so childish. I prefer to call them horizontal life pauses.
  • Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind. Bernard Baruch
  • I tried to be normal once. Worst two minutes of my life.
  • Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease. Bill Maher
  • Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so. Bertrand Russell
  • Of course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice.
  • The world is full of magical things patiently waiting for our wits to grow sharper. Bertrand Russell
  • I won’t quit but I will cuss the whole time.
  • If at first you don’t succeed, fix your ponytail, and try again.
  • I’ve always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives. Billy Connolly
  • Some days I amaze myself. Other days I put my keys in the fridge.
  • Money won’t buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem. Bill Vaughan
  • I made a huge to-do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
  • Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile. Billy Sunday
  • If size really mattered, the elephant would be the king of the jungle.
  • When life puts you in tough situations, don’t say why me? Just say try me!
  • Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday. Dale Carnegie
  • If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you. Billy Wilder
  • If you stumble, make it part of the dance.

  • A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it. Bob Hope
  • Every time you are able to find humor in a difficult situation, you win.
  • Inside me there’s a thin person struggling to get out, but I can usually sedate him with four or five cupcakes. Bob Thaves
  • Political correctness is tyranny with manners. Charlton Heston
  • One day you’re the best thing since sliced bread. The next, you’re the toast.
  • Education is learning what you didn’t even know you didn’t know. Daniel J. Boorstin
  • When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. I’m beginning to believe it. Clarence Darrow
  • As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it. Buddy Hackett
  • If you love something set it free, but don’t be surprised if it comes back with herpes. Chuck Palahniuk
  • Life status: currently holding it all together with one bobby pin.
  • The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us. Bill Watterson
  • Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia. Charles M. Schulz
  • High heels were invented by a woman who had been kissed on the forehead. Christopher Morley
  • A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.’ Claude Pepper
  • They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning. Clint Eastwood
  • By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong. Charles Wadsworth
  • Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares? He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes! Billy Connolly
  • Life is the art of drawing without an eraser.
  • I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early. Charles Lamb
  • A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: ‘Duh.’ Conan O’Brien
  • If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito. Dalai Lama
  • If you can’t live without me, why aren’t you dead already? Cynthia Heimel
  • I’m too drunk to taste this chicken. Colonel Sanders
  • A day without laughter is a day wasted. Charlie Chaplin
  • When one door closes, another opens. Or you can open the closed door. That’s how doors work.
  • Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else’s can shorten it. Cullen Hightower

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Hilarious Quotes

Jokes, fun, and a dash of hilarity! Oh what a day must that be? Make your followers laugh with these hilarious quotes.

  •  Gentlemen, you can’t fight in here. This is the war room.— President Merkin Muffley (Peter Sellers)
  • Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are. — Will Ferrell
  • I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later. — Mitch Hedberg
  • I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough. — Russell Brand
  • There is no sunrise so beautiful that it is worth waking me up to see it. ― Mindy Kaling, Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me
  • I love being married. It’s so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. — Rita Rudner
  • There’s nothing wrong with you that an expensive operation can’t prolong. — Surgeon (Graham Chapman), Monty Python’s Flying Circus
  • Love is telling someone their hair extensions are showing. — Natasha Leggero
  • I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own. — Les Dawson
  • I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
  • I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her. — Rodney Dangerfield
  • I am not a member of any organized political party. I am a Democrat.Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.
  • I walk around like everything’s fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
  • I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
  • I’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious. — Michael Scott (Steve Carrell), The Office
  • I love mankind; it’s people I can’t stand.
  • When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway. — Erma Bombeck
  • I love mankind; it’s people I can’t stand.

  • Ned, I would love to stand here and talk with you—but I’m not going to.  — Phil Connors (Bill Murray), Groundhog Day
  • Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
  • I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. — Rita Rudner
  • All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.
  • I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.— Phyllis Diller
  • All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.
  • Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are. — Will Ferrell
  • Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
  • Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring: ‘How to Build a Boat.’ — Steven Wright
  • A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
  •  My mother always used to say: The older you get, the better you get, unless you’re a banana.  — Rose (Betty White), The Golden Girls
  • We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don’t know.
  • You know you’ve reached middle age when you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police. — Joan Rivers
  • I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
  • Truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with a seat missing, but it hurts. — Lt. Frank Drebin (Leslie Nielsen)
  • Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
  • My Mama says that alligators are ornery because they got all them teeth and no toothbrush. — Bobby Boucher (Adam Sandler)
  • Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.
  • I never feel more alone than when I’m trying to put sunscreen on my back. — Jimmy Kimmel
  • I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well.
  • Being a mom means never buying the right amount of produce. Either everyone suddenly loves grapes and a week’s worth are eaten in one afternoon, or fruit flies are congregating around my rotting bananas. — Lessons from the Minivan
  • I can resist everything except temptation.
  • Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.
  • Only the mediocre are always at their best.
  • If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer. — Ace Ventura (Jim Carrey), Ace Ventura: Pet Detective
  • People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
  • There’s nothing simpler than avoiding people you don’t like. Avoiding one’s friends, that’s the real test. — Dowager Countess Violet Crawley (Maggie Smith), Downton Abbey
  • Every time I see an adult on a bicycle, I no longer despair for the future of the human race.
  • There are only three ages for women in Hollywood: babe, district attorney and Driving Miss Daisy. —  Elise (Goldie Hawn)
  • The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.
  • The only thing that separates us from the animals is our ability to accessorize. — Clairee Belcher (Olivia Dukakis)
  • I’m at a place in my life when errands are starting to count as going out.
  • A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain. — Graham Norton
  • Instant gratification takes too long.
  • Here’s all you have to know about men and women: Women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid. — George Carlin
  • If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.
  • When I’m in social situations, I always hold onto my glass. It makes me feel comfortable and secure and I don’t have to shake hands. — Larry (Larry David), Curb Your Enthusiasm
  • Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.
  • As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two. — Sir Norman Wisdom
  • Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.
  • That’s why New York is so great, though. Everyone you care about can despise you and you can still find a bagel so good, nothing else matters. Who needs love when you’ve got lox? They both stink, but only one tastes good. — Midge Maisel (Rachel Brosnahan)
  • Here’s some advice: At a job interview, tell them you’re willing to give 110 percent. Unless the job is a statistician. —Adam Gropman
  • Does it disturb anyone else that ‘The Los Angeles Angels’ baseball team translates directly to ‘The The Angels Angels’? — Neil DeGrasse Tyson

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Sarcastic Quotes

Well, in the last 10 years, sarcasm has become a whole different language. People use it in their daily lives to evade, to make people laugh, or to protect themselves. Regardless og how you use your sarcasm, get a cluew of what your next comeback from any of the quotes below.

  •  When people ask me stupid questions, it is my legal obligation to give a sarcastic remark.
  • If you’ve never met the devil in the road of life, it’s because you’re both heading in the same direction.
  • Well my imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental problems
  • I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
  •  I never forget a face, but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.
  • Silence is golden. Duct tape is silver.
  •  That is the ugliest top I’ve ever seen, yet it compliments your face perfectly.
  • Find your patience before I lose mine.
  • Sarcasm is the secret language that everyone uses when they want to say something mean to your face.
  • I am busy right now, can I ignore you some other time.
  • Tell me. Is being stupid a profession or are you just gifted?
  • It’s okay if you don’t like me. Not everyone has good taste.
  • If had a dollar for every smart thing you say. I’ll be poor.
  • Well at least your mom thinks you’re pretty.
  •  Violence won’t solve anything. But it sure makes me feel good.
  • If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
  • I clapped because it’s finished, not because I like it.
  • Do you think God gets stoned? I think so look at the platypus. Robin Williams, Actor
  • You know the difference between a tornado and divorce in the South? Nothing! Someone’s losing a trailer, number one. Robin Williams, Actor
  • I never forget a face, but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.
  •  People say that laughter is the best medicine, your face must be curing the world.
  • Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.” Steven Wright

  •  I’d tell you to go to hell, but I work there and don’t want to see your ugly mug every day.
  • If you want to change the world, do it while you’re single. Once you’re married you can’t even change the TV Channel.
  • The whole purpose of sending a text is to get a reply within seconds or minutes, otherwise, I would have sent a letter by fucking mail.
  • Silence is golden. Duct tape is silver.
  • I never forget a face, but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.
  • I’m sorry while you were talking I was trying to figure where the hell you got the idea I cared.
  • Cancel my subscription because I don’t need your issues.
  • My imaginary friend says that you need a therapist.
  • Need money for college. Need college for a job. Need a job for money. Who was the mastermind behind this system?
  • No, you don’t have to repeat yourself. I was ignoring you the first time.
  •  Not all girls are made of sugar and spice and everything nice. Some girls are made of sarcasm, wind, and everything fine.
  • If you find me offensive. Then I suggest you quit finding me.
  • I don’t believe in plastic surgery. But in your case, go ahead.
  • Unless your name is Google stop acting like you know everything.
  • I’m sorry I hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I really thought you already knew.
  • I don’t have the energy to pretend to like you today.
  • Don’t worry about what people think. They don’t do it very often.
  • People say that laughter is the best medicine your face must be curing the world.
  • Sarcasm is the body’s natural defense against stupidity.
  •  Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak. – Steven Wright
  • I love sarcasm. It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
  • If at first, you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
  • Mirrors can’t talk, lucky for you, they can’t laugh either.
  • My attitude in exams. They give me questions I don’t know. I give them answers they don’t know.
  • Life’s good, you should get one.
  •  I may look calm, but inside my mind, I’ve killed you 20 times, in 5 minutes, in 20 different ways.

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Summary

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