33+ Terribly Funny Quotes for Everyday Humor! (copy+paste+share)

We all want to be smart and wise in all we do. We don’t want to lose the jokes battle so make sure that you bring with you ample funny quotes wherever you go! It’s always a great opportunity to make people laugh with level funny quotes. 

• If you tell me you’re “Dead inside” well you’re a medical marvel! That’s something to be happy about!
• When you’re at the end of your rope, tie a knot and hold on. ― Theodore Roosevelt
• The greatest fools are ofttimes more clever than the men who laugh at them. ― George R.R. Martin
• There are some idiots who always answer “No” to every question, now tell me. Are you one of them?
• Everyone has a sense of humor. If you don’t laugh at jokes, you probably laugh at opinions. ― Criss Jami
• If a man says to you, “I always lie”, do you believe him?
• What’s the point in having a mind if you don’t use it to make judgments? ― Sarah J. Maas
• To handle yourself, use your head; To handle others, use your heart.
• No woman is ugly, it’s just that some are more beautiful than others.
• Maybe it’s true, maybe we don’t know what we have until we’ve lost it. But maybe it’s also true that we don’t know what we’re missing until we find it.
• There are so many different kinds of stupidity, and cleverness is one of the worst. ― Thomas Mann
• Don’t do something permanently stupid just because you’re temporarily upset.
• Don’t paint a wall with a toothbrush simply because it’s called a brush. – Kelvin Osaghae
• Arguing with a fool proves there are two. – Doris M. Smith
• What I stand for is what I stand on. ― Wendell Berry
• It is surprising what a man can do when he has to, and how little most men will do when they don’t have to. – Walter Linn

You don’t know what you don’t know until you know it.

• Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.
• One should never use exclamation points in writing. It is like laughing at your own joke. ― Mark Twain
• My father said there were two kinds of people in the world: givers and takers. The takers may eat better, but the givers sleep better. – Marlo Thomas
• The cleverest of all, in my opinion, is the man who calls himself a fool at least once a month. – Fyodor Dostoyevsky
• I haven’t failed at anything, I’ve just found all the wrong ways of doing it.
• When did you get so clever? When I realized I wasn’t as clever as I thought. ― John Connolly
• Well, enough about me. Let’s talk about you. What do you think about me?
• A miser is a person who is reluctant to spend and saves for those who will bury him.
• Some people call me Mike, you can call me tonight.
• How can I have hung around you for five years and not think girls are clever? ― J.K. Rowling
• Everybody is born with genius, but most people only keep it for a few minutes.
• There are two kinds of people in the world: those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.
• Intelligence is more important than strength, that is why the earth is ruled by men and not by animals. ― Amit Kalantri
• Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself. – Rumi
• Too many people spend money they haven’t earned, to buy things they don’t want, to impress people they don’t like.
• Cleverness is not wisdom. – Euripides
• Sarcasm helps keep you from telling people what you really think of them.
• Sometimes you need to act like a fool to fool the fools who think that they are fooling you.
• Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.
• Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile. – Albert Schweitzer
• Don’t raise your voice, improve your argument.
• You have not actually lost what you have not gained in the first place!
• Once you learn how to be happy, you won’t tolerate being around people who make you feel anything less.
• Notice: Lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.

Do you want to be inspired? Check out our motivational and inspirational quotes below: 

• Love Captions for couples
• Instagram quotes for friends
• Smile Quotes to Boost your Everyday Mood

Short Funny Quotes About Life

• Be crazy, be stupid, be silly, be weird. Be whatever, because life is too short to be anything but happy.
• Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive. – Elbert Hubbard
• I had an extremely busy day, converting oxygen into carbon dioxide.
• I’m sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It’s just been too intelligent to come here. – Arthur C. Clarke
• I don’t mean to brag, but I put together a puzzle in 1 day and the box said 2-4 years.
• The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice cream. – Bill Murray
• Life in a box is better than no life at all, I expect. You’d have a chance at least. You could lie there thinking: Well, at least I’m not dead. – Tom Stoppard
• I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done. – Steven Wright
• Sometimes I just want someone to hug me and say “I know it’s hard, but you’ll be okay. Here’s a coffee and a million dollars.
• A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths. – Steven Wright 
• Life would be tragic if it weren’t funny. – Stephen Hawking
• I have always wanted to be somebody, but I see now I should have been more specific. – Lily Tomlin
• I don’t need a psychiatrist to prod into my personal life and make me tell them all my secrets, I have my friends for that.
• Don’t be so humble – you are not that great. – Golda Meir
• In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life: it goes on. – Robert Frost
• This suspense is terrible. I hope it will last. – Oscar Wilde
• Dear life, when I said, “can this day get any worse” it was a rhetorical question, not a challenge.
• Life doesn’t imitate art, it imitates bad television. – Woody Allen
• Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off. – Bill Murray
• Dance like nobody is watching, because they are not, they are all checking their phones.
• If cats looked like frogs we’d realize what nasty, cruel little bastards they are. Style. That’s what people remember. – Terry Pratchett

If I had just one hour left to live, I’d spend it in Math class it never ends.

• Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings. – Robert Benchley
• Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance, you must keep moving. – Albert Einstein
• Why must I prove that I am me when I pay bills over the phone? Did some else call to pay my bills, and if they did, why don’t you let them?
• Life is what happens to us while we are making other plans. – Allen Saunders
• Life’s biggest struggle: I need to pee, but I don’t want to get out of bed.
• I intend to live forever. So far, so good. – Steven Wright 
• Don’t give up on your dreams so soon, sleep longer.
• When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them. – Rodney Dangerfield
• I want to be like a caterpillar. Eat a lot, sleep for a while, and then wake up beautiful.
• Rice is great when you’re hungry and you want 2000 of something. – Mitch Hedberg
• Math is fun, it teaches you life and death information like when you’re cold, you should go to a corner since it’s 90 degrees there.
• Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.
• I know how to live my life to the fullest.. but let’s speak later after I finish playing some computer games.
• I remixed a remix, it was back to normal. – Mitch Hedberg
• Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

Funny Quotes for the Instagram

Are you looking for funny quotes for your Instagram posts? Then, you’re in the right spot! We have here some of the funniest jokes you can find. Read and laugh every day with these jokes. 

• My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch. I call it lunch.
• Reality called, so I hung up.
• I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
• I’m on a date, she isn’t very social.
• I want to be like a caterpillar. Eat a lot. Sleep for a while. Wake up beautiful.
• I’m in desperate need of a 6-month vacation, twice a year.
• An apple a day keeps anyone away if you throw it hard enough.
• I’m on a seafood diet. When I see food, I eat it.
• I tried to be normal once. Worst two minutes of my life!
• A cop pulled me over and told me Papers, so I said Scissors, I win! And drove off.
• I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
• Be strong, I whispered to my WiFi signal.
• If you can’t remember my name, just say, ‘chocolate’ and I’ll turn around.
• Dear sleep: thanks for trying, but you can’t beat surfing the net.
• If we’re not meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge?
• Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it!

That awkward moment when you’re wearing Nikes and you can’t do it.

• I can’t believe I forgot to go to the gym today. That’s 7 years in a row now.
• Just dropped my new single! It’s me. I’m single.
• My bed is a magical place I suddenly remember everything I had to do.
• I eat cake because it’s somebody’s birthday somewhere.
• Brains are awesome. I wish everybody would have one!
• They call it a ‘selfie’ because ‘narcissistic is too hard to spell.
• For me, math class is like watching a foreign movie without subtitles.
• Be savage, not average.
• How do I feel when there is no coffee? Depresso.
• Bikini season is right around the corner. Unfortunately, so is the pizza place.

Summary